Topic: Undetectable.

What do I mean by undetectable?

I am undetectable. I am me again. I am pure in blood. The virus within me has gone away. The tests tell me that my virus is fading and my immune system is begining the slow ascent back towards health. (breath) (deep breath) (deeper breath) It sinks in. Let it in.

The power. The frenzy. The crashing of cymbals. The playing of trumpets. And a light in the darkness, a sound of music filling the air. Life goes on. The train wreck averted. Confidence rebuilding. A sense of renewal. A sense of… Avoiding?

Renewal and undetectable. What do I know about renewal and undetectable? I know hope. I know hope is renewed and lost again. I fear that if I take in my hope, my wonder at a new life, possibilities restores, a future … if I let in the love at the door, the wolf comes in too. Avoiding?

Wolf and undetectable. A lost sheep. The flock of sheep are grazing in the meadow. The howling of a wolf. One sheep goes missing. One sheep goes undetectable. The sheperd looks for the sheep long and hard, but it nowhere to be found. The howling of a wolf. Undetectable is not vanquished. Out of sight is not necessarily out of mind. Gone is not banished. The sighting could be restored: will it be the lost sheep? or will it be the wolf at the door? Avoiding?

Topic: Undetectable and door. Opportunity. This moment is one I can grasp hold of and say, Peace! Let us have Peace! Let us move forward now, me and the undetectable virus, waiting for its opportunity to gain foothold. Can we call a truce? Can we settle into this comfortable place with an agreement? Can I say to you, virus: I will take care of myself, and my health. I will take my meds. I will honor my body. I will get fitter and stronger and love myself more. I will do more work in the world to prevent disease and strengthen communities with hope and stories of renewal. I will work to bring change to the world, spreading hope to those who have none, bringing affordable HIV health care to those who cannot afford the drugs that are keeping me alive. Can I share this vision in my heart of what undetectable means. Will you share with me your stand? HIV, will you speak?

I am HIV. I am within you. Avoiding?

Avoiding and you. What do I know about avoiding and you. I, HIV, am avoiding you. I am broken. I cannot do the one thing I know. The tick-tick-tick of the clock. The RNA reproducing. Tick-tick-tick. The tick stops. Tock. Tick-tock. I’m still here. That’s what I want you to know. You can make me hide, but I wont’ go away. I am not you. I am not One. I am separate. You cannot make the separation go away. Separation is part of who you are. You are not One. You are Separate.

I am Me. I am Joe. I am Self. I am not HIV. I am not Separate. I include HIV, but I transcend it. I hear its voice, and I listen. but it is not my only voice. It is a whisper in the blood. It is a trace of a footstep in sand as tidal wave approaches to wash away the sand to a distant shore. Forgotten. But never totally. I cannot forget. I cannot cure myself of the disease of memory, a disease of separation and illness. Without illness, I forget the meaning of health. HIV lives within me as a memory, and with God’s help, I dare ask, I dare pray, HIV lives within me ONLY as a memory, a cautionary tale to love myself more, take care of my body, and feel myself grow in love for all things. Avoiding?

Love and undetectable. Love is not a box or a flower or a meal or a festure. Love is not a smile or a caress or a ring of gold. Love is not visible, love is not detectable by the objective world. Yet its power over us is strong. Its power over me is strong. Avoiding?

Topic: Undetectable. Power. What do I know about power and undetectable? There is strength in weakness. There is glory in meekness. In illness we find our health. Health, too, like illness, is undetectable.

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